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Surviving a soap opera is not for the weak. Whether you’re wading into the fast-paced fashion industry of The Bold and the Beautiful, trying to avoid mad scientists and demonic possessions on Days of Our Lives, dodging mob warfare on General Hospital or surviving the latest hostile takeover by ruthless tycoons on The Young and the Restless, chances are, your life is going to be packed full of drama
Luckily, there are a few things that all the soap operas have in common enough that we’ve compiled a must-have list of items to survive in daytime. So whether you’re trying to save your tattered relationship, keep your precious secrets or expose those of your nemesis, we know just what you need to keep your head above water…
Doorbells
We know, this one seems silly at first glance. But boundaries are important. Unfortunately, a lot of folks don’t seem to respect them in daytime. In real life, when we drop by someone’s home, most of us are kind enough to let that person know ahead of time. And if not, we at least knock or ring the doorbell to let them know they’ve got a guest.
But if we were in a soap opera? That’s just silly! All you need to do is waltz into whoever’s home you’re visiting and greet them in their living room! That’s totally acceptable behavior. “Oh, the butler let me in.” “The door was open.” There’s always an excuse, but maybe the problem isn’t the intruders, but the lack of a visible doorbell. So you should probably put an electronic one smack in the middle of the door!
“If you didn’t want me just walking in, mom, maybe you should lock the door!”
Actually, to one-up that, we suggest a video doorbell like the Ring. That will give you notice whenever someone even approaches your door! Even if they do bypass ringing the darn thing, at the very least, you’ll never be caught off-guard again or almost get caught talking about some big secret when someone walks in on you.
“I swear if one more person just walks in here without knocking…”
A Journal/Diary
Amnesia doesn’t strike in the real world all that often, but it’s practically an epidemic for soap opera characters. Sometimes it’s a permanent condition, sometimes it’s just the result of a temporary blackout after going on a drunken bender. These things happen. A lot.
“Oh dear, did I blackout and go on a killing spree again? Let me check my diary to see what happened.”
The best way to combat this? Keep a journal. Write in it every day. Be detailed! “Dear Diary, today my son who I thought lost at birth came back from the dead. His name is Jeremy, but I named him Albert. He has blue eyes and brown hair, just like his father, Hill.” Because if you’re struck by a bout of amnesia, you’re going to need all the help you can get in getting your life back — and what better way to spark memories than by reading about them in your own words?
Birth Control
If there’s one thing we have to hammer home to soap opera characters, it’s protection, protection, protection! Good lord, can you imagine how many problems would be avoided if characters just used a condom now and then when sleeping together? No more “Who’s the daddy?” questions. No more unexpected babies popping up.
We know talking about these things isn’t easy, but we’re all adults, and no one wants a surprise pregnancy with a sociopath they slept with in a moment of weakness. So do everyone a favor and invest in some condoms.
“Oh my God. I’m suddenly realizing I forgot something very important…”
But hey, sometimes condoms break or aren’t used right, so it also can’t hurt for a little something extra. Since daily birth control pills are now available over the counter, it’s easier than ever for soap opera characters to avoid awkward questions when a surprise pregnancy pops up!
Pregnancy Tests
Of course, if you’ve skipped the birth control and slept with someone on a soap opera, it’s almost guaranteed you’re going to need to deal with a pregnancy. And even if you do use birth control, it’s not always a surefire thing that it will work. Sometimes accidents happen! Condoms break, vasectomies don’t take (Young and Restless’ Victor could write a whole book about that) and pregnancies happen no matter how much you try to avoid them.
“I’m so tired! I either have radiation poisoning or I’m pregnant. Wow, never thought those words would come out of my mouth!”
So if a woman on a soap opera who just had sex starts having mysterious fainting spells, rather than wondering if they’re dying, they should whip out a pregnancy test. They’re quick, easy and, while not absolutely foolproof, are a good place to start finding out what’s actually going on!
DNA Test
This is self-explanatory. When you’re on a soap, you are going to face a paternity mystery at some point. Less common, though still very much a possibility, is a maternity mystery! It’s a tale as old as time. A grown adult shows up out of nowhere to find their real mom who gave them up as an infant. Wacky mayhem ensues.
“Don’t worry, I have an entire closet full of home DNA tests. We’ll get this sorted in no time.”
In that case, it’s handy to have a home DNA test at the ready and avoid costly trips to the hospital. Worried about tampering? Don’t be. We’re pretty sure they’re safer than doing one at the local soap opera hospital where just about anyone can waltz in and change the results around.
True Crime Books
Bless the cops who operate in soap opera towns, but more often than not, they’re pretty darn useless when it actually comes to catching the bad guys. The mob operates with impunity in Port Charles. The FBI needs Ridge and Bill’s civilian help in Los Angeles. Psychopaths like Cameron run ragged through Genoa City on a shockingly regular basis, and Salem? Well, they’ve had more serial killers than an entire horror movie franchise, and the cops never seem to stop them.
“Cops? Please, if you want to get out of this, you’ve all got to do it yourselves.
So if you want to survive in a soap opera, it’s probably going to be up to the civilians to right the wrongs and figure out who’s breaking the law! A good place to start brushing up on detective skills is with a few true crime books. They’ll teach folks a thing or two about police work and entertain at the same time. We call that a win/win!
Maybe just don’t get as obsessed with true crime stories as Days of Our Lives‘ Killer Connie here…
Oh, and as a bonus, we even dug up a true crime puzzle book to really sharpen your minds
Relationship Aids
We’ve got some bad news to virtually every daytime couple who’s ever existed or ever will exist: Your relationship probably won’t last. At least, not the first dozen attempts you make at it. There’s an unwritten rule (actually, we feel like it’s been pretty well written at this point) that only older, more established soap couples get to settle down into domestic bliss.
Careful, General Hospital‘s Chase and Brook Lynn. Wedded bliss is just the beginning. Staying together is going to take work!
The general rule of thumb is that happy couples tend to be boring — but that doesn’t have to be the case all the time! To keep them interesting, they just need to get their drama from outside the relationship. So how about some relationship aides, from a book on communication to a fun date night game to keep that spark going? Let’s start a new trend of happy, healthy couples and take the soap opera world by storm!
Exercise Equipment
Comas are no laughing matter, but in daytime, more often than not, they seem to be little more than inconvenient naps. In the real world, even being unconscious and bed-ridden for a couple of days can cause some serious muscle loss and fatigue. Yet more often than not, soap opera characters who are in them for weeks at a time (not to mention months and years) are up and walking around, operating at full strength within days of waking up.
Our guess as to how? They’ve got some pretty incredible exercise equipment to get their muscles working at full strength as fast as they do.
If only we could all wake up feeling as refreshed from a coma as Bold & Beautiful‘s Finn did!
So if you want to survive a soap opera, might we suggest a handy home gym machine for a total body workout? Sure, if you’re coming out of a coma, the hospital should get you started, but it doesn’t hurt to keep things going once you’re released. Of course, if you don’t live in a mansion where you can fit a full home gym (or aren’t fabulously wealthy and need something more budget conscious), there’s always some resistance bands for quick muscle toning and strengthening!
